Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.
Cosmopolitan Ultimate Sex Guide. (via ahhellobeautiful-)
That’s fucking gross, Cosmo
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha OH COSMO! This is so hot, I’ll totally be doing it tonight~
i just gagged.
the phrase “delightful invitation for him to whoosh his penis around” just made me choke on air
Do….Do women actually consider shoving food into their vags? I’m terrified.
Food fetishes are one thing, but this is just plain bad.
wow mashed banana how sexy and not at all like baby food
but why peaches though?
Um. Could you imagine trying to clean that out? Just eww. Jizz covered fruit also does not sound at all appeasing.
And what if he doesn’t show up? It’s not like you can bend over and eat the fruit out yourself. Not that you would want to…I’ll just end this thought here.
And I may never be able to eat a banana again without the phrase “He can whoosh his penis around it!” popping into my head. Thanks, Cosmo. Seriously.
LMAO I AM DYING AT THE COMMENTARY
notice how cosmo’s sex tips are all about his pleasure?
I threw up into my mouth a little.
this is the best thing ive seen on tumblr for a long time. lmao. fruitarians unite!
YEAST INFECTIONS ARE HOT TRUFAX…
Does anyone at that magazine actually have or have ever met a vagina?
Cosmo is full of pussy haters.
Whoosh my WHAT in WHAT??
brb becoming nun to stave off trauma
I just had the following text message exchange with Ian:
“Hey, so I was just reading this hot sex tip from Cosmo: ‘Get fruity! A mashed banana or peaches inserted in your vagina is a delightful invitation for him to whoosh his penis around in it! Once you climax, switch to 69 position for sweet afters.’ What do you think? Is this something you’d like to try?”
“Wouldn’t the sugar in the juices be infectiony?”
“Um, yes. Please tell me you did not think I was seriously suggesting that you woosh your penis around inside my banana filled vagina.”
“No, I was just worried that you’d started reading Cosmo.”
Prince is staring in disbelief and disgust.
Mmmm. Smushy vag fruits. Uh, hell no?
Oh my god I cannot breathe
Fucking Cosmo, man…god damn.
What the fuck did I just read?!!??!!? I have enough discomfort with Tampons, who the fuck wants to STICK FRUIT UP THERE!!!!!
I have this “gross-out” competition with my friend. So far, I am winning with this quote.
This is still gross.
whoosh his penis. I am dying.
Yeah no the only phallic shaped thing going into my vag is a penis. Sorry.
CRYING AT THIS POST
Damn, someone beat me to it with the Tennant gif…
I AM FUCKING DYING. HOLY JESUS, THIS IS GOLD.
Keeping a straight face while reading this at work was a Herculean effort. Seriously. You don’t even KNOW. 8|
This is the funniest series of commentary in the world.
Also, Cosmo, why switch to 69? Is that the only kind of oral sex I’m allowed to have.
Yeah I need to reblog this again because the commentary is just too good to pass up. Also I don’t think “whoosh” and “penis” should really go together, or inside anyone’s orifice(s).
Reblogging again for the hilarious commentary. And how this quote fills my brain with immense amounts of fuck.
Oh, the commentary! I just died.
I don’t even.